What Parents Are Often Told When Seeking SEND Support
When parents start asking for SEND support, they often hear the same phrases repeated — sometimes reassuring, sometimes confusing, and sometimes quietly blocking progress. This page uses a simple traffic-light system to help you make sense of those conversations. Green phrases may appear early on and should lead to clear action and review. Amber phrases often leave parents feeling unsure or dismissed and can signal delay or minimisation.
Red phrases are stronger warning signs that support may be being restricted or discouraged. No single phrase tells the whole story — what matters is pattern, repetition, and impact on your child. This guide is designed to help you recognise when reassurance becomes delay, and when it may be time to ask firmer questions.
Green - Early-Stage Language — Monitor, But Don’t Ignore
These are phrases parents often hear at the start of conversations about support. On their own, they are not necessarily a problem — what matters is what happens next.
These phrases should always come with action, support, and a review date. If they don’t — or if you keep hearing them — it may be time to look more closely.
“Let’s keep an eye on it”
This usually means the school has noticed something but hasn’t decided what to do yet.
This can be reasonable if it comes with:
a clear focus (what they’re watching)
a timeframe
a plan to review
It becomes a concern when weeks or months pass and nothing changes.
“We’ll monitor for now”
Monitoring should mean gathering information alongside support — not waiting without action.
If no one can explain:
what’s being monitored
how it’s being recorded
or when it will be reviewed
then monitoring may simply be delaying help.
“Let’s give them time to settle”
This is commonly said after transitions or with younger children.
Time can help — but settling-in should be time-limited.
If difficulties continue or increase, this phrase should lead to support, not repetition.
“It’s early days”
This can sound reassuring, but it’s also vague.
Early days should still include:
listening to concerns
trying small adjustments
agreeing when things will be looked at again
If “early days” stretches on, it’s reasonable to ask what comes next.
“This can be normal at this age”
Some behaviours are part of development — but persistent distress is not something to ignore.
Normal variation doesn’t rule out support, especially if:
the difficulty is ongoing
it affects wellbeing
or it’s impacting home life
Amber - Patterns That Often Leave Parents Uneasy
These phrases are often reported by parents who leave meetings feeling unsure, dismissed, or confused — even if everyone was polite.
Hearing one or two may be understandable. Hearing several often signals that needs are being minimised or unclear. These phrases often leave parents doubting themselves. That feeling matters — and it’s okay to ask firmer questions.
“They’re coping”
Many children appear to cope in school while struggling elsewhere.
“Coping” doesn’t tell you:
how much effort it takes
whether it’s sustainable
or what it costs the child emotionally
Coping is not the same as being supported.
“They’re doing fine academically”
Academic progress alone doesn’t show the full picture.
Children can meet expectations while:
masking anxiety
feeling overwhelmed
or struggling socially or emotionally
Support should be based on need, not just grades.
“We don’t see that here”
Differences between home and school are common — especially for neurodivergent or anxious children.
A difficulty not being visible in one setting does not mean it isn’t real or important.
“Lots of children do that”
This phrase often compares children instead of understanding the individual.
What matters isn’t how many children do something — it’s how it affects your child.
“They’re just immature”
This explanation can delay proper understanding.
When difficulties are persistent, maturity alone is unlikely to resolve them without support.
“Support is already in place”
Support should be something you can understand.
If no one can clearly explain:
what the support is
how often it happens
or whether it’s helping
it’s reasonable to ask for clarity.
RED - High-Risk Language That Often Blocks Support
These phrases are commonly reported by parents who face ongoing barriers to help. They often stop conversations rather than move them forward.
Hearing several of these is rarely about misunderstanding — it’s usually about access. These phrases often signal gatekeeping rather than support.
Parents hearing several of these are not overreacting.
“We need a diagnosis first”
Support should respond to need, not wait for labels.
Waiting for diagnosis can take months or years — during which a child may receive little or no help.
“EHCPs are only for severe cases”
This is a common myth.
The real question is whether a child’s needs can be met without additional support — not how extreme things appear.
“They don’t meet the threshold”
Thresholds should be explained clearly.
When this is said without evidence or explanation, it can be a way of shutting down discussion.
“We don’t have the resources”
Schools face real pressures — but a lack of resources does not make a child’s needs disappear.
Support should be based on need, not budget.
“The local authority wouldn’t agree”
This discourages families before a process has even begun.
Decisions should be based on evidence — not assumptions about outcomes.
“You don’t want to go down that route”
Parents should never feel warned or pressured for asking questions.
Advocating for your child is not being difficult — it’s being responsible.
Important Information
This page is provided for general information and guidance only. It is not legal or medical advice and should not be used as a substitute for individual professional assessment. The phrases listed reflect common parental experiences and should be considered in context, taking into account pattern, repetition, and impact on the child.
This resource is intended to support understanding and constructive discussion, not to assign blame or encourage unnecessary escalation.
Does this sound familiar?
Download the free parent guide with 60+ phrases explained, a simple traffic-light checklist, and clear next steps.This content is for general guidance only and does not constitute legal or medical advice. Context and individual circumstances always matter.
If you’re recognising several of these phrases — or finding yourself somewhere between amber and red — you don’t have to work this out on your own. Every child, family, and school situation is different, and sometimes it helps to step back and look at the pattern as a whole.
The form below gives you a safe way to share what you’re experiencing and tell us a little about your child. We’ll use this information to understand where you are in the process and what kind of support may be helpful next. There’s no obligation — just a starting point for clarity and next steps.