Handling Big Emotions
Children with ADHD often experience big emotions — intense reactions that can overwhelm their capacity to self-regulate. These emotional storms are not deliberate misbehaviour but reflect neurological and sensory overload. This module explores how to understand the difference between meltdowns and tantrums, how to apply co-regulation strategies, and how to reduce escalation with empathy and structure.
Learning Objectives
By the end of this module, you will be able to:
- Distinguish between meltdowns and tantrums
- Understand the neurological and emotional basis of emotional dysregulation in ADHD
- Use co-regulation to model and support calming techniques
- Apply proactive and in-the-moment strategies to de-escalate intense situations
- Rebuild connection after emotional episodes
Meltdowns vs. Tantrums — What’s the Difference?
Meltdowns are involuntary responses to overwhelm, whether sensory, emotional, or cognitive. They are not goal-oriented or manipulative, but instead are signs that the child is in a “fight, flight, or freeze” mode. Meltdowns are often triggered by transitions, overstimulation, fatigue, or frustration. Tantrums are typically more controlled and purposeful. They are goal-oriented, used to gain something or avoid something, and often stop once the child gets what they want or realises they won’t. ⚠️ Important Note: A child with ADHD may have a tantrum that turns into a meltdown if left unsupported, so both need to be handled with empathy.
The Role of Co-Regulation
Children learn to regulate through co-regulation, which is the process of borrowing calm from a safe adult. When a child is overwhelmed, they cannot access logical thinking, so your calm presence helps them return to regulation. To co-regulate effectively, start by staying calm yourself. Lower your voice and soften your face and body language to create a sense of safety. Validate the feeling by saying, “It’s okay to be upset. I’m right here with you.” Use few words, because too much talking can make the situation feel even more overwhelming. You can offer a safe space by asking, “Would you like a quiet spot or a hug?” Breathing together can also help; using rhythm through counting, slow breathing, or gentle rocking supports their nervous system. ❗ Never try to teach or reason during a meltdown. Focus on connection first and correction later.
Reducing Escalation — Before, During, and After
Before: Prevention Use visual schedules and predictable routines to create a sense of stability. Identify common triggers such as noise, transitions, or hunger that may lead to distress. Offering choices helps children feel a sense of control over their environment. You can also create a calm-down plan or toolkit together so they have strategies ready when they need them. During: De-escalation When a child is becoming overwhelmed, remove the audience or siblings if possible to reduce stimulation. Lower verbal demands and avoid physical touch unless it is clearly calming and agreed upon by the child. Speak slowly and keep your tone neutral by saying reassuring phrases like, “You’re safe. I’m here.” Throughout the episode, focus on keeping both the child and others safe. After: Repair and Reflection Wait until everyone is calm before debriefing about what happened. Use a visual aid or feelings chart to help your child express their experience. Reinforce the idea that feelings are okay and that everyone is learning to manage them. Avoid shaming language such as, “You were so out of control,” and instead try saying, “That was really hard. Let’s talk about what we can try next time.”
Take-Home Tools
- “Is it a meltdown or a tantrum?” cheat sheet
- Co-regulation strategies printable for caregivers
- Emotional regulation toolkit checklist (calm corner ideas)
- Reflection card prompts for post-escalation conversations
Sample Script:
During a meltdown:
“You’re feeling really overwhelmed right now. I can see that. I’m going to sit here with you. You don’t have to do anything else right now. I’ll help you when you’re ready.”